I hate writing this post with every part of my being. But, because I have been working to be more open about my life experiences and writing my way into the life of a victorious survivor, I feel the need to share just a little with all of you now: Months ago, after exactly three years of absolute magic with my man, I was brutally and suddenly awakened to the truth. What I found there is something I never thought possible. The illusions of my life did not match the reality of my path. And so, what I thought was my perfect person is gone. The marriage I thought was forever, is now in the past. I have learned so much about myself and the world, but my learning is not complete. I know in many ways it never will be. And who would want that anyway? I have spent the last many months in various stages of denial, hope, regret, empowerment, destruction, and acceptance. This has felt harder than anything. But, my body is relieved, and so I will try to take it’s lead and accept that this is the right path for me. I will cry. Back in 2019, my friend Marlene Zaleznick told me that there would be rivers of tears on my path for a little while. She is on the other side now, so I can’t ask her, “How much more???” And even if I did, would she have an answer? Probably not. Because the path belongs to me. I am thoroughly embarrassed that I didn’t see this coming, but if that means that I have nearly infinite acceptance and hope and love, then so be it. That’s me. More than anything, I am sorry that I have put my children through so much. But it seems to be a theme of my life that they (and others) get to witness me exposing and blowing up toxicity, misogyny, and generational cycles of abuse. So, my friends, until we see each other again, just know that I am here. Some days I can’t be any more than that simple state of being. Sometimes I stumble. Sometimes I get back up. I am feeling all the feels and learning who I am once again.
